IndigNation             WHAT'S GOT YOU HOT?

Being homeowners, from time to time we suffer the slings and arrows of home ownership, namely something breaks and needs to be fixed..NOW!

Such was the case with our main sewer line, which, as confirmed by two independent authorities, really needed to be replaced if we wanted the brown, foul-smelling slurry to stop backing up into our shower and bathtub, and onto our floors.

The work completed, and water turned back on, we joyfully put our new plumbing to the test. And the master toilet promptly backed up, venting its spleen and bile, as it were, all over the bathroom floor.

As one might imagine, especially after having spent all that money on a new sewer line, that we were less than amused.

We called the plumbing service, Drain Doctor, back in. This time only the toilet was involved - that much we could tell, as everything else was working perfectly, and nothing else had backed up.

We were duly advised that we needed to replace the toilet. “Ok”, we thought, “we’ve trusted these people this far (and they were recommended by a contractor whom we trust a great deal), what’s a toilet between friends?”

The plumber came and installed the new toilet.

It promptly backed up the next day, all over the floor, following my husband’s first test run, as it were.

We called the Drain Doctor back out.

This time we were advised that the problem was not the brand new toilet, but… my husband.

“Your husband, his poo is too hard. I install this toilet all the time, never any problem…your husband’s poo is too hard.”

The only thing which kept my jaw from hitting the floor was the fact that at this point there were so many brown-sludge-germs on that floor that I feared contracting a staph infection, or malaria or typhoid, or BSE.

“What”, I said, rather sarcastically, “do you suggest we do?”

And the reply, I kid you not, was:

“I don’t know..maybe take him to the hospital?”

Say WHAT???

But wait, it gets better…and…I swear I’m not making this up..I couldn’t make this up!:

“Your husband keep two sticks next to toilet, and before he flush, he crash the poo.”

Ok…even at that moment I could see the humour value in this, and yet somehow still, I was not amused.

Thank you, Doctor Drain Doctor, for your expert diagnosis.

Nor was my husband, who of course had never had a problem in all his years with regurgitating toilets unwilling to accept his offerings.

Nonetheless, he dutifully tried altering the firmness of the offending substance, but still…flush…SPLASH.

My friend and colleague, Tim Carter of “Ask the Builder” fame ( http://www.askthebuilder.com ) had us put the toilet to the 5 gallon gulp test - which the toilet passed with flying colours - thus proving that there was no ongoing blockage in the toilet. Nor, Tim was sure, could the problem really be on my husband’s end (er..no pun intended), as, he explained, at manufacture toilets must be able to pass test capsules which are 2 inches in diameter, and, as Tim pointed out, if someone was passing a two-inch diameter item they would have bigger problems than their toilet backing up!

Tim was confident that there was a defect in the toilet. I was confident that there was a defect in the plumber’s head.

We called the plumber back out. “This is ridiculous - fix this!”

“There is nothing wrong with this toilet, I have installed it for many customers, no problem - your husband’s poo is the problem.”

And so we seemed at an impasse, at least for a bit, and for a few weeks my poor husband simply used our guest bathroom, while we waited..for..something.

That something happened three weeks later, when our son had the toilet back up on him. This was no manly, hard production, it was 5-year-old-sized.

I seized the opportunity, called the plumbing service, and spilled some of my own bile.

“We’ll send [name omitted] back out.”

“NO!” I almost screamed, “send out someone else, someone who isn’t going to blame my family’s rating on the fecal hardness scale for the toilet backing up.”

So they send out this nice guy, and he and I go to investigate, and almost instantly we together figure out the problem.

Now, in case you didn’t know, the pathway which goes from the toilet bowl into the floor is called the “colon” (interesting, eh?)

So this nice guy and I look at the colon of the toilet, and suddenly I see it.

THERE IS A RIGHT ANGLE IN THE COLON OF THE TOILET!!!!

Not a nice gentle curving pathway - not even a hard curve - a @#$&*$*#!! *RIGHT ANGLE* !!!! A minnow under its own power couldn’t navigate this angle, let alone ..well..you get the picture.

“Aha”, said friend Tim, “I told you something was defective!”

“Tim”, said I, “that’s not defective. That’s stupid!”

We have a new toilet now. And a new plumbing company.