IndigNation             WHAT'S GOT YOU HOT?

Unless you’ve been locked in a small dark room without electricity this weekend, you will almost certainly have heard news concerning our fearless and combative Vice President, one Richard Cheney - though he prefers to be known as a real Dick - and his ‘accidental’ shooting of a member of his hunting party. (See the BBC’s story in the unlikely even that you missed coverage.)

Here is a picture.

Caption: “…and with this outfit, and a Predator drone, you can remotely aim and fire at anyone you choose…”
You can see how Mr. Cheney is biting his hand, so excited is he at the prospect of unloading a Gatling gun into the next Democratic National Convention.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, as I find myself largely aligned with the Republican Party as far as fiscal and foreign policy issues go, but I’m worried about President Bush’s choice for his big number 2. We are one cardiac event, traffic incident or - heaven forbid - a successful terrorist event from passing the nuclear football over to Mr. Cheney, and I just don’t quite trust him, with his hyper-intelligence, sardonic grin and aloof manner.

Someone told me today that Mr. Cheney was being transported around on his hunting trip, rather than walking, and I got to thinking about his own brushes with ill health. Was he being driven around because of his well-documented heart problems, or because it’s easier to shoot in a slightly downward direction to allow for the kick of the gun?

Sometimes I really feel for the poor chap, but I also have to wonder what’s keeping him going. Has he become, like Steve Austin, half human, half superbly-engineered cyborg, connected by wires, synthetic muscles and optic fibers to interchangeable munitions mounted on his right arm? Or has some top secret government-run genetic engineering project produced a small goblin that lives within his chest cavity, pulling strings and running the voice synthesizer. [Note to self - maybe that's why the Republicans are so against stem cell research. Investigate this...]

Have you never wondered why we don’t see the Vice President after dark?

Anyways, the most worrying thing, and the thing that no-one has mentioned - here or elsewhere - is the question of whether this is the first time Mr. Cheney has caught a human in the crossfire. I’ve been imagining him as the creature in Predator, who every night dons his urban camoflage and spends the small hours running around DC stalking humans to gut and eat, for fun, sport and nourishment. Isn’t that the sort of behavior towards which any other elected official would turn a blind eye? You can imagine the outcry if this ever slipped out…

I’ve also been imagining, since the story broke on Saturday, Mr. Cheney sitting and gently rocking on the porch of his home back in Wyoming, Marlin 50 calibre cradled across his lap. Every now and then he yells “pull”, and his shout is followed by a loud springing sound as an enemy combatant flies across the sky, low over the horizon. Breathe slowly; shoulder, track, squeeze, BANG. “Aiiiieeee”, thud. Silence settles over the scene as he nestles the gun back across the blanket on his lap, lovingly stroking the barrel as he takes a long draw on the mint julep at his side.

On second thoughts, maybe in a time of war, this is exactly the kind of man we need. Get him into a special ops outfit, arm him to the teeth, and drop him behind enemy lines. He’d empty Afghanistan and Iraq of insurgents in no time, and could move on to deal with North Korea and Iran - we’d have a safe and stable world by the end of the year.

I just wish he wouldn’t eat babies and stick their heads on tall spikes along Pennsylvania Avenue. I guess we just have to learn to take the rough with the smooth.